A level results later at 2.30.

gooosh. im so sleepy but it feels like my last few moments of childhood.. i gotta jot this down. It feels as if from later, a different wind will be blowing my sail. Like...I'll be moving frm Neverland to Singapore .

Ive always acted confident that ultimately i'll get whatever i want. But this time i feel i need to be brutally honest with myself. Im TWITTERING with self doubt. Twittering like a twittering baby chicken on a frosty xmas night.

Some say they cant wait to get back their results, they hate this uncertainty. But i like it :( I like being hopeful, i like being a dreamer. Im scared of having my journey chartered by a piece of paper. So i really really hope with all my heart, that even if my results are like shitcake, i wont feel like my whole sky's turned grey.

Ive always said i believe that ultimately (this is based on my 18yr old optimism), whether we're contented with how we're living our lives really depends on our own determination and initiative. Well at 2.30 i'll be putting this belief to the test.

No feeling sad, Monica. No tears of sorrow. No self pity.

No pridefulness. No stubborness. No jealousy.

No regrets.

Dont become doctor also nvm la okay. There are many other things i want to do. And who knows, if i dont make the grade, i'll have all the more freedom to pursue something else that i might be passionate about. Somemore i dont need to study so hard. More time for a holistic lifestyle (:

talking bout 'many other things i want to do', i need to express some pride and joy in the way my life is breezing along right now!!! (: (: (:

Before this year, i said i didnt want to work for money. Id rather feel like my time's well spent than sit my butt flat on cash. and i think i haven't let myself down. (high five kiddo!!!)

I teach.. ok more like PLaY at a preschool beside my house till noon...

teach swimming to children and ladies after preschool..

(oh i've got a student who works at the zoo! sat with her in the sauna just now after class and chatted for an hour :)

i also work at Haagen Dazs on any free evening

and throw all my happily earned money to speechlevelsinging lessons

and it's kinda weird, but i'll be seeing this insurance agent next week to get a little financially educated (:

almost became a piano teacher on weekends at cristofori but decided i shldnt bite off more than i can chew. I still want time for all the special people in my life!

Oh my attachment to paediatric surgery at NUH was such an experience as well. I saw kids with missing bile ducts, cancer, doublesex, twisted testes, concave chest and every other terrible thing you can think of.

if ever i become a mother, id be crazy thankful if my child came out with every organ in his little body. thankful too if he didnt grow up playing cricket only to find at 17 that that ache in his shoulder was cos of bone cancer.

okay no more sad stuff. and this post's so long but i really want to get things out of my system and on the record.Cos i cant say for sure what later holds and... (okay drama time) who i'll be when the deed's done.

im gonna try my hardest to be stronggg. SLPY TIME!