w i d i t o u b i d t u d

...honestly, when i was very young i used to think that i was special(: and the rest of the kids my age were like pebbles.

hmm. today:

there were many Zs and i had a WANT for the elusive Mr. Special-feeling.

Megs

WHY DO I FEEL SO WEARY TODAYYYYY.

yesterday morning was stupid.

supposed to go for the interview. so for the first time in my life i went to find out more about law. (im still set on becoming a doctor. but in the unfortunate unfortanate event that my childhood dream gets binned by the NUS admissions office, i MIGHT do business and law. and MAAAYYYYBEEEE one day, i can offer my legal and business expertise to saving abit of the world)

So i spent like 2 late nights reading and reading.

So i woke up at 8 to eat my bread and read stuff id jotted down/thought through.

So i vexed over what to wear.

So i gave myself a dont-be-nervous pep thought.

SO SU-LIN CALLED AND SAID 'hey monica, arent you coming down today all the kids are here'

SO I SAID 'no, i thought i told you i've got an interview.'

so she said 'but didnt you say...'

So i said 'no. i thought you meant...'

...

SO SHE SAID ' okay.. alright...'

in the most guiltifying way.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So i paced up and down my room feeling like shit, thinking 'fuck.'

i know there's only me and her to handle the class and the kids are like SUGAR-RUSHED ANIMALS. so basically id be leaving her to die and even if it wasnt my fault, it was super feeling like my fault.

super suck.

called in to tell them ive got terrible gastric. bad shape. no good for interiew. can postpone?

"wait for us to contact you." :(

but things became alot better after i dashed into PlayDays like a superhero. The kids were so adorableee!! like more adorable than before. when i was sitting on the blue mat, johnathan ran over, bent down, put his face in front of mine and just STARED (in wonder, i hope.) Then Megan handed me a plastic lettuce to eat. and johnathan poured me a pretend cup of tea with an egg inside. Then megan handed me a tomato and i said 'i dont like raw tomato'. So she said 'okay. boil it?' what a heartmelt!

BUT WHY DO I FEEL SO WEARY TODAYYY :( the repercussions of yesterday morn?

Well i've got places to go but i just feel like sitting at coffeebean by myself with a book and a large cup of double vanilla tea latte. (vanilla lovers you gotta try it!!! okay this is gonna sound gross, but i must say it.- even your burp smells beautiful!)

andandand! just now, i called my auntie in burma to chat. and she told me my auntie in madison called her to tell her (in burmese) " your niece ah... heard frm her dad that she said 1 mth in the same state very boring. Staying at my place with her aunties and uncles who love her so much VERY BORING?! i was feeling happy they're coming over. but now i feel sad and angry. "

i felt like crying you know when i heard that. Sad cos i didnt mean to hurt her feelings, Pissed cos she's thinking too much. cmon! madison isnt exactly the most interesting place. and not like i want to visit different states by myself (and yunpei), i want them around too. GEEZ.

so i explained to my burma auntie, and she was super cute!she told me in english, "dont worry she's not really angry. It's just that at that SPOT she was hurt. you know... just at that SPOT.."

well okay. and byebye its swim time with harSHA!

ignition

blondie for ONE day and never again i swear.

Here's Findlay, my march heartmelt (: He's so tiny i couldnt bend down enough to get a good pic :(

Megan acting pretty

Here's the magic swimming cap meiling bought me. I feel so happy when i wear it! wilson says it embarrasses him though. haha!

and finally, my best friend <3>

(my hair's coloured back dark and dandy just the way i like it!)

Just caught the leap years with kimberly and i feel like ive been floating on a happylovecloud frm then till now!

Despite kimbo's momentary chuckle at an absolutey heart wrenching scene, i still enjoyed the movie a 100%.

Haven't cried watching a movie for the longest time so when i finally did it felt SO GOOOOD.. I felt all alive again! well not that im a miserable jaded citizen of the world... im actually very huppy right now (:

It was, more accurately, an emotional catharsis in the l-ov-e department. What's catharsis? Reaching an emotional climax which ultimately results in restoration and renewal.

how dramatic.

Anywayy! from now on leap years are gonna be, for the both of us, a you-and-me thing (:

A level results later at 2.30.

gooosh. im so sleepy but it feels like my last few moments of childhood.. i gotta jot this down. It feels as if from later, a different wind will be blowing my sail. Like...I'll be moving frm Neverland to Singapore .

Ive always acted confident that ultimately i'll get whatever i want. But this time i feel i need to be brutally honest with myself. Im TWITTERING with self doubt. Twittering like a twittering baby chicken on a frosty xmas night.

Some say they cant wait to get back their results, they hate this uncertainty. But i like it :( I like being hopeful, i like being a dreamer. Im scared of having my journey chartered by a piece of paper. So i really really hope with all my heart, that even if my results are like shitcake, i wont feel like my whole sky's turned grey.

Ive always said i believe that ultimately (this is based on my 18yr old optimism), whether we're contented with how we're living our lives really depends on our own determination and initiative. Well at 2.30 i'll be putting this belief to the test.

No feeling sad, Monica. No tears of sorrow. No self pity.

No pridefulness. No stubborness. No jealousy.

No regrets.

Dont become doctor also nvm la okay. There are many other things i want to do. And who knows, if i dont make the grade, i'll have all the more freedom to pursue something else that i might be passionate about. Somemore i dont need to study so hard. More time for a holistic lifestyle (:

talking bout 'many other things i want to do', i need to express some pride and joy in the way my life is breezing along right now!!! (: (: (:

Before this year, i said i didnt want to work for money. Id rather feel like my time's well spent than sit my butt flat on cash. and i think i haven't let myself down. (high five kiddo!!!)

I teach.. ok more like PLaY at a preschool beside my house till noon...

teach swimming to children and ladies after preschool..

(oh i've got a student who works at the zoo! sat with her in the sauna just now after class and chatted for an hour :)

i also work at Haagen Dazs on any free evening

and throw all my happily earned money to speechlevelsinging lessons

and it's kinda weird, but i'll be seeing this insurance agent next week to get a little financially educated (:

almost became a piano teacher on weekends at cristofori but decided i shldnt bite off more than i can chew. I still want time for all the special people in my life!

Oh my attachment to paediatric surgery at NUH was such an experience as well. I saw kids with missing bile ducts, cancer, doublesex, twisted testes, concave chest and every other terrible thing you can think of.

if ever i become a mother, id be crazy thankful if my child came out with every organ in his little body. thankful too if he didnt grow up playing cricket only to find at 17 that that ache in his shoulder was cos of bone cancer.

okay no more sad stuff. and this post's so long but i really want to get things out of my system and on the record.Cos i cant say for sure what later holds and... (okay drama time) who i'll be when the deed's done.

im gonna try my hardest to be stronggg. SLPY TIME!